Let’s begin with the image:
What’s Wrong With This Picture?
• The items featured are named Stabmixers in German. Duh, Germany, they should obviously be called immersion blenders. You couldn’t possibly stab anything with that three-pronged exposed blade.
• Apparently to get a really good stabbing mixer you are welcome to pay as much as 179 freaking Euro. That’s $250 at today’s exchange rate, which takes approximately one and a half professional hits to pay off (at the $175 no-guns, stab-only rate.)
• There are 24 Stabmixers featured, with varying engine torque, blade strength, rotation speeds, setting options, housing materials, warranty coverage, and grip styles. The display is located on the third story of the Saturn electrical appliance store, which means that the dizzying nature of the options presented is, in fact, quite dangerous when it comes to negotiating the escalators on the way down to the till on the first floor. Just sayin’.
• Of the myriad options, not a single one doubles as either a wood borer or a Brookstone/Hammacher-Schlemmer-style personal massager, which is about all I can think of when I see the grip shape.
• Escpecially with the word KUCHE in all caps in the background of the picture.
• Nothing, nothing, not ever, should have a both motor-driven, rotating, three-pronged blade, and a resemblance to a personal massager. And if it does, it should definitely not be called a Stabmixer. Or maybe it should.