How I Know I’m an Adult

-I really like cabbage rolls. I ordered them for dinner tonight and then I was too full for baklava.
-I just found 5 rather smart black shirts/dresses in my suitcase. Two of them were turtlenecks.
-I wear my huge noise-cancelling headphones to the gym like a big dork, and it doesn’t even make me flinch.
-I go to bed early so that I can get some work done before breakfast.
-I use under-eye cream and a special neck lotion.
-I’m 34, for chrissakes. I think I may have taken the turn from 20–>30 a little too fast and ended up missing my exit – now I’m lost somewhere in my 70s. The next time I say, ‘Oh I love _____, but it makes me so gassy’, feel free to remind me that jumping rope may be unkind to my decolletage now, but it will be impossible in another 50 years so I’d better hop to it.

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