As I prepare for what I am dramatically referring to as single motherhood (wherein I am solely responsible for my two children for up to 10 hours at a time, 2 days per week, and up to 6 hours at a time 3 days per week,) I am researching grocery delivery. Granted, there is a well-stocked fruit and vegetable stand a mere 400 meters from my front door, and a sojourn to the excellent cheese shop takes roughly 40 steps, but there’s something about carrying two kids plus groceries (and in the absence of any noticeably useful abdominal muscles,) up 90 stairs that does not appeal. I’ve narrowed the field down to two organic farms that provide mixed boxes of seasonal produce delivered weekly to your front door. One of the farms also offers:
- 57 kinds of yogurt. Fifty-seven, not including their selection of kefir, quark, cottage cheese, and flavored buttermilk.
- Pasteurized milk, lightly pasteurized milk, super-pasteurized milk, raw milk, goat milk, and something called ‘4-season’ milk that changes taste based on what the cows are eating. I think I’ll wait until the season that doesn’t include nasty grey February to try the seasonal milk.
- Sheep milk yogurt. I think I’ll wait until I’m not me to try sheep milk yogurt. Shudder.
- A product that translates, per GoogleTranslate, to ‘Dick Pierce Resistant 3.7% Fat Milk’. It is described as ‘Fresh, slightly tart, tingly! A tasty refreshment, who already knew our great-grandparents.’ Oh, really? Grandma Goldie, care to share?! God, I love GoogleTranslate. Upon further reflection, it is not at all a surprise that my great-grandmother was resistant to penile piercing. It is a surprise, however, that this resistance came from milk, rather than an ingrained sense of propriety and/or a healthy aversion to creating new routes for infection during the pre-penicillin era.
And all that in the dairy section alone! There’s also:
- children’s mustard (mild, sweet)
- easter meat (not, as it turns out, rabbit!)
- Hobbits sausage (not made of Hobbits, unless Hobbits are made of soy)
- vegetable assortments selected especially for nursing mothers (apparently they’ve heard about my gas situation)
- beer (lots and lots of beer)
- an astonishing selection of vegan sausages, including some in a jar and some meant to resemble bologna.
All this, and the ability to order online so that I don’t have to say out loud that I want someone else to carry my cans of garbanzo beans up the stairs? Despite the vegan sausages, I’m sold! Check out their website, which, translated, tells us that ‘spring is coming, but still very cautious, but inexorably.’