If our life here on Susannen Street were a reality TV show, it would go something like this:
Betsy: You’re home from work! Would you like a cup of tea?
Tobias: Yes, please.
Betsy: What kind?
Tobias: Earl Grey.
Betsy: Aw no you ditn’t!
Tobias: Sorry… what?
Betsy: I was saying ‘Oh, no, you didn’t’ as if we were on a reality show.
Tobias: But we are.
Betsy: Good point, thanks. We’re so meta. Tea’s ready!
…and that mundanity, along with 1,874 other reasons, is why we’re not on a reality show. Which is a shame, really, as we have some excellent product placement opportunities. To wit:
Ecover Laundry Detergent
Are you the kind of parent who gets creeped out by the Pampers that are impregnated with pee-activated fragrance pellets, especially when there is no warning on the package about the forthcoming cloud of artificial baby powder scent except that the Pampers are called “Fresh n Kleen”? But are you also the kind of parent who, although relieved to finally identify the smell of the baby’s poo as Greek yoghurt (you’d been saying that it smelled like sour cream, but that wasn’t quite right,) doesn’t truly enjoy the smell of baby poo and is pleased when the diapers come out of the wash smelling like nothing but pure spring water and a tiny wisp of lavender? Then you will appreciate Ecover’s level of fragrance: the bottle smells like lavender, the clean laundry less so, and the dry laundry not at all. This leaves the baby to smell like a baby, which is the cutest smell ever especially when we’ve remembered to clean the folds of her chubby little neck.
NoseFrida the SnotSucker
Coincidentally named, this contraption allows you to clear out nose snot by sucking it into a tube connected to your mouth. It has a hygienic filter, it is small and transportable, and baby Frida doesn’t mind it at all. Most importantly, it takes the baby from ragged, choked snorts to calm deep breaths in the space of 15 seconds. It is bliss.
‘Keep Austin Weird’ Baby T-Shirts
Some of these are tie-died, some have built-in shorts. All of them are favorite hand-me-downs, which I love because while she gets dressed we can tell Frida stories about the kids that gave them to her. They also remind me to tell her about Austin and its weirdness, like Leslie, the homeless icon in my old neighborhood who ran his mayoral campaign from his bicycle cart, wearing nothing but a thong, a tutu, and some Ugg boots. Rest in peace, Leslie. I miss you.
…and reason 1,876 that we’re not on a reality show: telling your baby really inappropriate jokes told to you by a homeless transvestite may be one way to celebrate his memory, but it won’t endear you to the major networks.